This week on Hit or Miss: Nintendo finds yet another way to baffle the industry with its latest hardware announcement; Sony disapproves of Nintendo’s version of 3D gaming (which Sony otherwise very much approves of); Nintendo saves the world from what could have been dozens of more terrible video game movie adaptations; and Electronic Arts underwhelms with their first Madden NFL 11 tease.
Truth be told, I have no idea what the hell to think of this. On the one hand, I hate 3D. On the other, the idea of a 3D handheld you play without needing glasses sounds intriguing. On my freakish third hand, the idea behind the 3DS sounds like the mad machinations of a company gone drunk with delusions of invincibility, and either way this turns out, it’ll probably be completely awesome to watch. So sure, we’ll call this a Hit for now.
You also have to give Nintendo credit for the way they announced this monstrosity. It came completely out of nowhere, without fanfare, lacking any demonstrations of how it actually works, backed by whimsical promises of features that seem to only exist in the realm of the fantastical, and it was made a week before they released a brand new iteration of the system the 3DS will soon be replacing.
I mean, holy hell — and we thought Apple banked on their brand credibility? But then I suppose if you made billions of dollars on your last crazy idea, you’re awarded a certain amount of early leeway in the court of public opinion.
In response to Nintendo’s bat-shit insane 3DS announcement, Sony’s John Koller first said this: “There’s a tremendous amount of opportunity on PlayStation 3 with 3D. The amount of interest in 3D from the retail side and game publishers is off the charts. We know we have a hit with 3D on PS3 and we’re going to concentrate our efforts there.”
Then, he said this: “I think [3DS is] an interesting move but one I’d like to see where they go from a demographic standpoint. 8- and 9-year-olds playing 3D is a little bit of a stretch given where some of our research is right now.”
So in other words, he spent three sentences explaining just how awesome 3D is, and then explained why Nintendo is crazy to make a 3D handheld. I know competitors have to disagree with each others’ announcements by default, but you rarely get to see one twist their logic so horrifically as this in order to do so.
I mean, what the hell is he even talking about with 8- and 9-year-olds? Does he mean that’s the only demographic Sony thinks plays handhelds? If so, I’d love to see what research showed making God of War: Chains of Olympus was a good idea.
And here we have another phenomenon you rarely get to see: a large corporation providing a truly global public service. Because honestly, I can’t imagine any other way to describe Nintendo refusing to let studios make movies out of their games. For reference, see this to jog your memory:
I’m not going to break down everything going on in this image that’s wrong, because we’d be here until June. But let me just point out this part right here:
That’s John Leguizamo. So that’s just for starters, OK? Second, this area here:
Those are rocket boots he’s wearing. So in conclusion: John Leguizamo wearing rocket boots. Imagine if someone went back in time and told you, some day in the future, you would see that in a Super Mario Bros. movie. It’d be as if someone ran into your room right now claiming to be from the future, and warned that some day a Pokemon movie will exist featuring Dennis Quaid riding an ostrich in outer space.
So on behalf of gamers everywhere, Nintendo, I’d like to thank you for saving us from seeing Dennis Quaid riding an ostrich in outer space. Saving us…and yourselves.
If ever there was a blog post to demonstrate how much the world does not need a new version of Madden every year, this would be it. With Madden NFL 11, EA promises the following revolutionary improvements:
Receivers will more often make catches in stride.
Receivers will less likely run backwards to make a catch when they don’t have to.
Receivers will actually try and stay in-bounds when making sideline catches.
Two things here. 1) I don’t know if I’m just slowly losing my mind over a really long stretch of time, but I swear EA has been promising better sideline catches with every new Madden since, like, 1996. 2) If it’s taken them 23 versions of Madden to finally get around to fixing sideline catches, they don’t deserve the exclusive NFL license.
It used to be that even while every new Madden game would range a bit in overall quality, they’d at least add actually have some big ideas when it came to adding new features. But when we’re at the point where back-of-the-box quotes are highlighting tweaked catching animations or (like last year’s model) throwaway button-mashing fumble mini-games, it is way past time for a hiatus.
Take just one year off, EA. Seriously, just try it once. See what EA Tiburon could come up with when they don’t have the looming threat of deadlines every 12 frickin’ months.
Of course, taking one year off would lose you millions in unexploited profits, so it’s never going to happen, is it? And there in lies the hazard of yearly sports franchises — it creates a built-in incentive to never quite finish your game. After all, if they actually did fix those sideline catches way back in 1996, what would they have to tease about now?