This week in news brought a lot of big, groundbreaking, industry-changing developments… which may or may not happen. Microsoft is buying EA, perhaps! Sony is going to sell PS2 games on the PlayStation Store, probably, but who knows! And Nintendo might not release the “Wii HD” in 2011, but the Square Enix president said so, and you’re not calling him a liar, are you?
But I really, really hope Hideo Kojima does make a Natal game that can send you to the hospital, because he’s the only person in this industry who can say he wants to, and I’ll believe him.
HOT DAMN MICROSOFT IS BUYING EA!
…Okay, look. I like you people, you seem like nice folks, so I’m going to level with you. Microsoft is not necessarily buying EA. This whole story is based on what Reuters reported as “unsubstantiated talk” on Wall Street, and if you want a sense for how much you should trust unsubstantiated Wall Street talk, watch this clip, and then find a pillow to muffle your howls for our ruined humanity.
Getting lost in all the “OMFG!” hoopla of this, though, is a practical question: would this even be a good thing? I think no. Maybe for Microsoft, sure, but do you have any idea how many insane sports gamers bought a PlayStation 3 over an Xbox 360 only because they wanted to play Madden on a DualShock? I’m not kidding. I personally know at least, like, five of these highly devoted raging maniacs, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about highly devoted raging maniacs, it’s not to make them mad.
Seriously, sports gamers are pretty big. They’ll fuck you up, Microsoft.
Sega Leaks Potential PS2 Game Downloads for PS3
“Wii price drop, Wii price drop… bah! Enough of this!” the shadowy figure exclaimed from his sullen and unremarkable cubicle in Sony headquarters. “Not one, not two, not three, but four retailer leaks?! Bah! The nerve! Who do they think they are? I will show these people. I will show them how to leak a mothereffing secret.” He picked up his phone and dialed with urgency — so much so he misdialed at first. The other end rang. Someone answered. He took a deep breath. “Sega? This is Owl Strike…the cows graze at midnight.”
…Well that’s how I think this document got leaked, anyway. But getting lost in the “irresistible urge to write a ridiculous short story” hoopla of all this is a practical question: Would this even be a good thing?
Not to sound like downer or anything, but damn it, no. If they want to put rare Japanese imports and Dreamcast games up for sale (a possibility this leaked memo also mentioned), awesome. But removing PS2 backward compatibility from all PS3s, charging me to repurchase the games I already own, and telling me that’s progress? Call me crazy, but that sounds a little more like “Operation Screw GameStop.” As a former GameStop employee, believe me, I’m all for screwing GameStop, but not if it means screwing me, too.
Square Enix President Predicts Wii HD Coming in 2011
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but the video games hardware market has become an inspirational afterschool special.
“Tonight on ABC Family: The PS3 and Xbox 360 were the hip kids in class, but their world is going to be turned topsy-turvy when an unusual new student arrives on the scene!”
“Will the jocks tease the nerd? Will the nerd get revenge, Carrie-style? Or maybe, just maybe, will they look deep down, and find they all have a little bit to teach each other? Find out on: ‘Silicon High Hijinks’!”
So basically, the super-powerful machines will be adding whacky motion controls, and the whacky motion controls machine will become super-powerful. Fine by me, but if I was Nintendo, and I just sold 50 million units of my latest console around the world, the last thing I’d want to do is have to release a new console and start from scratch. In fact, I’d probably be using the absurd amounts of money I’ve already made to develop a doomsday device to halt technological progression altogether.
It worked in Escape from L.A., and I wasn’t raised to believe Snake Plissken would lie about anything that rad.
Kojima, Inafune, Nagoshi Gush about Natal at TGS
If Japanese game development is indeed lagging far behind the west, then Japanese developers should be thanking their lucky stars that motion controls have incredulously become the future of gaming.
Have you noticed that on the Wii and DS, generally speaking, it’s the Japanese developers who have made many of the games that use motion (and touch screen) controls in the most creative and awesome ways? There’s a reason for this: to make a good motion control game, you have to think like an insane person. And Japanese developers are very, very good at thinking like insane people (and I mean that with the utmost respect).
It took a Japanese developer to look at the DS, and think, “You know what would be cool on this? A point-and-click adventure game starring a lawyer who partners with a psychic.” And that was frickin’ cool, dude! And where else but Japan could games be made that are as frighteningly psychedelic and adorable as Super Mario Galaxy — or violent and stylish as MadWorld? And meanwhile, what awesome waggle-filled Wii games have our great western developers given us? Celebrity Sports Showdown, Dancing with the Stars, and Manhunt frickin’ 2.
This is why I’m super-excited about whatever Project Natal games come out of the inimitable imaginations of Keiji Inafune, Toshihiro Nagoshi, and — above all — the great madman Hideo Kojima. This is a guy who apparently wanted to make a transforming controller for Metal Gear Solid 4 that could electrocute people.
So, when he says that he wants to use Natal’s facial recognition capabilities to make games that could “detect your emotion or health,” recognize when you’re sick, and send your character to a hospital, you’ll understand when I tell you I’m both excited…and utterly terrified.