Editor’s note: Juan tweaks a brilliant thought experiment from the writer Chuck Klosterman: If you had 15 seconds to talk to your 15-year-old self about games, what would you say? Leave your answers in the comments! -Brett
Here’s a question that pop culture savant Chuck Klosterman likes to ask when he’s five-eighths drunk (taken from his latest book of essays, Eating The Dinosaur): If you had the ability to make a 15-second phone call to your 15-year-old self, what would you tell him? Would you fix a regret so it becomes a good memory? Take advantage of a second chance — even if it was to someone else’s detriment? How dramatically would you want to alter your life with those 15 seconds?
But this is my twist on the question: What if you had to use those 15 seconds on something related to video games? I’m guessing most of us will probably say something to the effect of “invest in _______” or “create _________ before_______.” Again, they may sound like good ideas, but will the 15-year-old you listen or even understand the message? For example, if you told me when I was 15 to make a game where I use the concept behind the Simon toy but with rock music, I would think you were out of your damn mind.
So let’s not use messages that will result in you becoming Will Wright or Bobby Kotick and creating a rift in the space-time continuum where Marty McFly makes out with your mom. Instead, what realistic knowledge could you impart to your young gamer self that won’t change the world?
Here are some that I came up with for the 15-year-old me, smack dab in the middle of the N64-PlayStation era. (Yes, these messages are 15 seconds or less if read at regular tempo.)
“Don’t play Ocarina of Time with a strategy guide except for the water temple. Enjoy Hyrule, pansy.”
“Remember those days when all you played were Japanese games that you couldn’t understand? Well, when the Saturn drops in price, buy import-only games.”
“Still have that Super NES? Buy Earthbound. You know what? Buy ten of them and keep them sealed.”
“Betting hair color over a series of Mario Kart 64 races is not a good idea.”
“Don’t give away your old video games and systems. You will miss them and will one day want to write about them for a Web site. Don’t worry about what a Web site is — you’ll learn.”
“The next time you buy something from Microsoft, think about the extended warranty.”
“Third party memory cards are bad for you. They may cause cancer for all you know.”
“The trade-in is a vicious circle you will never escape if you fall into it. Just keep your old games.”
“In 2009, your favorite game will be Pac-Man. Trust me on this.”
“Join the high school newspaper and use that as your way into E3. This will be your chance to meet a perpetually half-naked girl named Lisa at the Tecmo booth. Trust me on this.”
“On your next birthday, don’t ask for Yoshi’s Story and NBA Live ’99. Playstation. Get over it — your brother’s right.”
“Practice writing now. EGM isn’t going to be around forever, you know…”
“Save up for that trip to Akihabara NOW!”