You Look Ridiculous

Editor’s note: We end the standard work week with another LOL-inducing piece from Mr. McReynolds about the silliness of motion controls and Fisher-Price-inspired instruments. How do we know it’s really funny? A copy editor actually typed LOL. What further proof do you need? -Jason

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Ever wonder why video gaming isn’t accepted as the “cool” thing to do? Why it’s still considered nerdy to spend your days and nights gazing deeply into your television/monitor? Why no one ever returns your calls?

It’s because you look ridiculous.

Once upon a time, gamers only had to sit and punch buttons to escape the hellish reality that was the 1980s. Flash forward to the present: Chunky plastic peripherals and elaborate motion controls have us prancing about our living rooms. To put it into perspective: Standard Nintendo gets you taunted; waggle Nintendo gets you taunted and posted on YouTube.

Playing Wii in the lobby of the Marriott only makes it worse.

Everyone looks ridiculous playing Rock Band.

Sub in Guitar Hero if you’d like, but don’t embarrass yourself with Rock Revolution — you’re better than that. Before these equipment-heavy rhythm games came along, the tiny plastic guitar was relegated to the realm of Fisher-Price. Not exactly the sort of thing that you’d consider carrying around to look “rad.”

I hereby retract that last line.
The Backyardigans kick ass.

But hook that f***ker up to an Xbox, and people will spend their Saturday nights strapped in and strutting around like they’re Jimi Hendrix. Perhaps the worst thing about it is that, while you’re playing, you think you look really cool. Head-bobbing, Billy Idol snarl in place, you feel like an actual rock god. Then the inevitable roommate/significant other/family member opens the door and reality comes crashing down. You’re in day-old underwear, haven’t showered, and are playing a glorified edition of Simon with a flashy soundtrack.

Losers.

Playing with friends doesn’t help, either. It’s become popular for certain bars to host Rock Band nights, but this isn’t because the game’s now mainstream. It’s because people do stupid shit when they’re drunk — just look at Square Enix’ purchase of Eidos. Or my wife’s marriage to me.

The head honchos at Harmonix decided that they should surround themselves
with the shame of their peers, both figuratively and literally. Nice job, guys.

Everyone looks ridiculous playing Wii Fit.

My only guess as to how this game came to be is that some executive at Nintendo started feeling guilty about creating an entire generation of obese gamers and thought he might be able to do something about it. And by “do something about it,” I mean “profit off of their suffering.” I really don’t see how push-ups on a plastic board could be more effective than those performed on your standard floor, but I suppose that’s what separates me from a distinguished member of the medical community like Dr. Mario.

To make matters more hilarious, the Balance Board that you need to play the damn game has a weight limit of 300 pounds. That might fly back in Japan, but here in America, we’ve got twins riding matching motorcycles that eat 300 pounds of Golden Grahams for breakfast. Shit, the fat kid from Hook couldn’t even workout on the Balance Board, and he’s fit enough to roll into a ball like Samus.

I tried to find a decent pic of the kid from Hook,
but Google gave me the damn Dos Equis Man.
The Internet is a scary place.

So, on the off chance that you’re both fit enough to play Wii Fit and are still interested in exercising with a video game, you still haven’t got much to look forward to. The game is a compilation of basic yoga poses and rudimentary exercises overlaid with a bitchy virtual trainer that tells you how terrible you are at everything. You’re essentially watching an episode of The Biggest Loser while crouching on a lunch tray. Invite the whole family over!

Everyone looks ridiculous in front of Natal

Let me put it to you this way; when Bluetooth headsets first became popular, I’d walk around thinking the world had gone mad. It looked as if everyone was talking to themselves. Natal aims to do the same thing exclusively for gamers — it’s just a Wii without the remote to signify that you haven’t lost your damn mind.

I suppose full body control could be used for some interesting fighting or driving games, but so far it’s only been used for a game I call “reverse dodgeball.” In it, you instinctively go spread eagle and wave your arms to deflect incoming dodgeballs. Kinda like Breakout, only now you look like you’re hailing a cab and practicing limbo simultaneously instead of sliding your Blackberry’s click wheel back and forth. Better preorder early.

A prebeta demo of Samba Hero.

To make players look even more ridiculous, the current mascot for Natal is Peter Molyneux’s brainchild — Milo. He’s all the fun of holding a child against his will in your home without the hassle of owning and maintaining a van full of candy. Just in case the subtext here isn’t overt enough — Molyneux touches kids.

 

Special bonus funny

While searching for “Wii Balance Board” in Google, I came across the following picture:

I know it goes without saying, but WTF? I like family restaurants that went out of business in the last decade as much as the next guy, but why buy the novelty T-shirt two sizes too big? And why post it under the heading “Wii balance board”?

Instant update: The powers that be over at Google have already removed this picture from the above mentioned search. It was fun while it lasted. You can still see the Dos Equis Guy by searching for “fat kid from Hook,” though.