Mankind started keeping tallies of kick-ass and horrible things ever since Moses compiled the Top Ten Coolest Forbidden Sins of the Ancient World, and we haven’t stopped since. So in this special edition of Hit or Miss, I do my small part to keep this tradition going: Rather than recap the past week in news (which, if you weren’t paying attention, essentially consisted of a lot of best-of lists masquerading as news), I’m recapping the bestest and worstest of all the best and worst stories I’ve covered in this weekly feature over the past year.
Naturally, since I started writing this feature in August that leaves me with only five months worth of stories to choose from. Sure, I could simply decide to look further back by using my free will as a human being, but that would mean breaking my self-imposed illogical rules, and illogical rules are, paradoxically, the only things that keep us human (and also pants).
Luckily there were enough kick-ass and horrible things in those five months to fill this article anyway, so stop your whining and enjoy my favorite Hits and Misses of 2009! (…since August.)
Virtual Kurt Cobain Makes Real Kurt Cobain Corps Turn in Grave
The flagrant commercialism behind the concept of Kurt Cobain appearing in Guitar Hero 5 was creepy and awkward to begin with. Then the game came out and the world discovered Activision was stupid enough not to lock Cobain’s character to only Nirvana songs, which may well be the single most boneheaded decision of 2009.
How boneheaded was this? Look at this way: This space is where a YouTube video of virtual Kurt Cobain singing a Bon Jovi song would have went, except Activision has literally obliterated every such YouTube video in existence. When you go that far out of your way to hide evidence of your idiocy, you know you done fucked up.
Hideo Kojima Gets Confused by His Own Games
When Hideo Kojima stated in an interview earlier this year that, “I personally get confused too about the whole timeline and saga of Metal Gear Solid,” I found it an endearing admission of…well, his impenetrably ridiculous writing, I guess.
But then I finally got a PlayStation 3 as a Christmas gift, and even halfway through Metal Gear Solid 4 I already appreciate this quote on a whole new level: Because evidently (and here’s your spoiler warning) his method of explaining every confusing and seemingly impossible plot hole in the series is through either fucked up cloned genes or nanomachines.
Vamp is invincible? Nanomachines! Snake is rapidly aging? Fucked up cloned genes! FoxDie didn’t kill him? Both nanomachines and fucked up cloned genes, I think! (Although I’m not sure I understand any of this any better than Kojima.) It’s basically like Star Wars’ Midi-chlorions crossed with the convenience of water-allergic aliens in Signs.
Final Fantasy XIII Release Date Announced via Chintzy Infomercial
“But Kris!” I already hear you saying. “You originally gave this story a Hit. Explain this decision at once!” Simple: I’m a fickle bastard. I was delightfully baffled by this soulless marketing video at the time, but looking back, it’s clearly a colossally boring jumble of douchey infomercial hosting, awkward Japanese cue-card reading, and inexplicable Leona Lewis advertising. This is a format for selling Snuggies, Square Enix, not your most important game of the decade. And even for a product that is essentially a backwards jacket, it’s pretty low.
But screw it — this could easily go back into Hit status once the world gets the inevitable auto-tune remix. You are capable, Internet auto-tune remixers. Do not disappoint me!
Sony’s Emotion Sensing Patent is the Best Stupid Patent of All
There were a lot of stupid video game patents over the year, but Sony’s patent for a technology that would be able to recognize your emotional state edged ahead on the strength of this concept image alone:
I’m almost sure this is the sort of thing crazy people must see everywhere, all the time. Seriously, it scared the hell out of me the first time I saw it. I had to ask a friend to confirm he could see it too and I wasn’t just finally losing my mind.
But hell, I don’t blame the guy in the picture. If I knew my television was reading my mind, I’d probably snap too. If one day Sony actually creates a prototype of this technology that works, I’m pretty sure the only thing it will ever detect in us is our fear of it.
Little Big Planet Delayed on PSP Go… and the PSP Go in General
Just follow the timeline on this one:
June: Sony officially announces the PSP Go. It will remove the bulky UMD drive in favor of strict digital distribution, and somehow cost $50 more than an old UMD-equipped PSP anyway.
November: Little Big Planet is released for the PSP. Due to “technical hiccups,” the digital version is delayed by a full week on the PSP Go.
December: Rumors swirl that Logitech is planning to release a UMD drive add-on for the PSP Go.
That sensation you just felt? That was your brain breaking under the strain of comprehending this bullshit. And note that at no point have I even written a punchline here, because this is a rare instance where the setup is funnier than anything I could possibly conjure. Congratulations, Sony: You made the most pointlessly ass-backwards product since…well, the Snuggie, I guess?
Kid Solves Two Rubik’s Cubes While Playing Guitar Hero
With all the amazing announcements and developments that occurred this year — even since August — why have I chosen a throwaway video of a kid solving two Rubix Cubes while playing Guitar Hero on expert as the best Hit of the year? Because this video shows nothing less than the evolution of Modern Man.
When the decade started, not only was the notion of pretending to play music with fake plastic instruments still too stupid for Americans to buy into, we hadn’t even invented the means to watch other people do it yet. Reflect that in the year 2000, YouTube did not exist. Savor that thought. It’s like trying to imagine a world before someone thought of inventing chairs.
And by the end of the decade, this was how you became awesome: clicking an impossible series of buttons on a fake guitar while solving Rubik’s Cubes and sharing it with the world with a $20 webcam. And as stupid and pointless as this seems, I must urge you not to take this twirp lightly.
Yes, this may seem like an enormous waste of time and talent now. But in the near-future world where every complex and difficult task is accomplished over the Internet through a simple series of color-coded button presses while we’re sustained by a nutrient-rich feed injected intravenously from a pouch, Rubik’s Cube Guitar Hero Kid will have grown to become the most powerful and influential man on Earth.
I ask you: Is this progress? Is it really?
I just Googled that question on my cell phone. Evidently the answer is yes, yes it is.