I’m leaving for the city today on a train that I knew would be waiting for me. I knew it would be taking me away before I even got here. I was aware that I’d only be spending a small portion of my life here and that any people I'd meet would be people I’d be saying goodbye to in just a year’s time. I’d been through this many times before; my parents like to travel around a lot. I thought I’d be able to deal with it.
My friends won’t say that they know me as an emotional type. I’m usually the stoic, quiet one. I'm a serious person, at least when it comes to the things that matter.
And so I keep a straight face while my friends all run after my train, one by one, telling me that they’ll never forget me, that they’ll love me forever, and that I shouldn’t leave. I keep the straight face – because that’s what leaders are supposed to do, right? – until they fade away from my view. The truth is that I’m just as torn as they are.
I’ve never had trouble saying goodbye. Not to a video game, anyway. The idea sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I mean, here I am, talking about Persona 4 as if it involved real people and events. I even feel slightly embarrassed talking like this about virtual people who were written by someone else. I should have just taken advantage of these characters by using them as a means to an end and a way to further my power in the game. And yet there I was, watching that cutscene with actual tears running down my face. An onlooker would see nothing special about what I’m watching — a typical goodbye sequence involving a train.
For me, it's not that simple. My crew and I have been to hell and back together. We fought all sorts of crazy Japanese monsters together. We saved the world together. Christ, we even ate watermelon together.
Let’s not kid ourselves though. Nothing about this is actually unique. How many times have I saved the world with a motley crew of teenagers? I’ve lost count. It’s all par for the course, as far as video games go.
So why do I feel like this?
We don’t have to say goodbye, do we? I can come visit anytime. It’s just a train ride away. It’ll be like I never left. We can do this again. It’ll be just like before.
Of course, that’s not true at all. We do have to say goodbye. The game is ending. We already saved the world. I’m watching the credits roll right now. Whatever could’ve been doesn’t matter, because this is all I get to see. Maybe the idea that everything will be alright was supposed to satiate me, but it doesn't. I don’t just want to know what happens afterwards; I want to experience it. I want to be a part of it.
That’s the clincher, though. I don’t get to experience it for a reason. After this moment, our lives will never be as meaningful, interesting, or important as the year we spent unravelling mysteries and saving the world. We might never be as close as we are right now. I’ve already maxed-out all our relationship ranks. Our worlds are all squared out at age 16. And, maybe, that’s why we have to say goodbye. It’ll never be as good as it was before, and we can’t go any further, so I’d best get going while it still makes sense to go. We spent dozens of hours fighting for our right to live out normal lives, but in the end I don’t get to experience the "happily ever after" because that’s not the part worth playing.
And so I turn the console off, power off the lights, go upstairs to my room. I lie in bed, I stare at the ceiling in the dark. I can’t fall asleep. A year from now, I’ll be graduating college. I knew the date before I ever set foot on campus. But, I don’t want to think about that now. Tomorrow, I’ll start a new game plus in P4. Tomorrow, we’ll pretend I don’t have to leave, that we haven’t been through this before, and that I can still hold on to that fleeting feeling. Tomorrow, I can pretend I don’t have to say goodbye.
Patricia Hernandez is the founder of Nightmare Mode, a new video game blog which houses all her crazy ramblings, should she have any (but mostly game news/items she thinks are worth reading or talking about). In fact, this article is republished from that very website!