My mom reviews Dark Souls II

I said it looks like play.

[The user agreement comes up.]

OK, push down on the d-pad. This is the user agreement. There you go. Keep doing that until you get to the bottom.

[My mom zooms past the wall of legal text.]

Are you reading all this?

Mmmhmm. I’m a speed reader. It means I can’t sue if something happens.

OK, push X.

It’s a half hour before you start the game!

[My mom selects the option to start a new game. A screen comes up asking for some preferences.]

Do you want blood on or off?

Off!

Push right on the d-pad.

[I then spend a few minutes explaining the differences between the d-pad and the analog stick. A new page of more detailed preferences shows up.]

Uh, we’ll just push X, because that’s a lot of options right there.

[The opening cutscene starts.]

You have to read and watch?

It’s just subtitles.

I still don’t know what all these buttons do.

I don’t know what they do.

Yes you do.

I haven’t played this game yet!

Well, you know what some buttons do.

Well, that one will make you move. [I point to the analog stick.]

Alright, well, what if I have to jump?

Watch the cutscene. Did you see that person’s face melt?

Mmmhmm.

[The video shows a sparkling tree.]

That tree’s pretty.

Mmmhmm. Like twinkle lights. Oh, they’re bugs.

[Ghostly figures begin to fly around the screen.]

Fantasia Skeletons
The skeletons from Fantasia.

This is like Fantasia.

No.

Don’t you remember? With the…

I remember, but no.

[A whirlpool appears, and the person in the video jumps.]

Why did he jump into that?

I don’t know.

What’s the object of this game? To get out of the hole?

Mike Minotti

Mike Minotti has been with GamesBeat since 2012, starting as an intern. Based near Youngstown, Ohio, he now manages GamesBeat's editorial team. He's also a prolific podcaster, appearing on multiple shows covering the gaming industry.