Editor’s note: I really, really hope Travis keeps on writing for Bitmob. I was laughing all the way through this. Just read for yourself (and don’t miss part two as well)…. -Shoe
As the author of an infrequent video game blog that’s ignored by all but my Facebook friends and the most devoted of Bitmobbers (hi Lance!), I consider myself to be somewhat of an authority on game humor. Gamers are a predictable lot. We’re routinely angry at the very companies that serve our hobby, and we want the Internet to know about it.
That said, it’s pretty easy to nail down the shared in-jokes that will consistently make a gamer laugh. The subjects below make for great ice breakers anytime you’re stuck in an awkward situation with a guy wearing a “Visit Planet Zebes” T-shirt. I personally guarantee* each of these to work every time.
Hideo Kojima’s FMVs
Always a winner, Hideo Kojima is a renowned hater of gamers actually playing games. His Metal Gear Solid series has produced progressively more convoluted and lengthy cut scenes since the PS1 era, and there’s no sign of stopping. (The upcoming release of Peace Walker for the PSP is sure to produce viable jokes for years to come.)
For example:
If you start the movie Titanic on loop and at the same time start a new game of MGS4, you’ll see Kate Winslet’s boobs twice before you get to shoot anything.
The whole game is so long they should have an ad for The Scooter Store in the end credits.
If anyone at Konami is reading this — I don’t know who told you that gamers love monologues, but they lied.
In line at the DMV next to a guy with Cheetos-stained fingers? Maybe mention that if the DMV were an MGS game, you still wouldn’t have a fucking clue what this has to do with Big Boss. Congrats, you’ve just made a casual acquaintance — time to reap the benfits. You know…see if he has any Cheetos left.
really need an hour to tell me that Snake is old now?
Men in Final Fantasy games look like teenage girls.
Another standby when trying to warm up the rare, antisocial nerd is the physical appearance of guys in Final Fantasy starting at around FF7. I guess you can make the argument that all men in anything remotely anime-inspired look a little feminine, but to that point I counter with Kuja from FF9:
only like three beers from making a pass at this…guy?
Kuja is the culmination of a very brief but effective lady-tizing curve that begins with Cloud Strife and progresses quickly to Squall Leonhart. Observe:
How does this work for you? Next time you see some tool wearing eyeliner strolling down the street, tell your gamer buddies that he’d better hurry — Zidane is only a few steps behind him. At the mall? Mention that the gaggle of tween girls in line at the Orange Julius is also there to stock up on Materia.
In either scenario, hilarity ensues. And yeah, if you’re counting, that’s two mall jokes in one segment. Get over it — those oversized pretzels are delicious.
Kingdom Hearts
No qualifier needed. Kingdom Hearts is just an elaborate prank on gamers everywhere. I was in college living in the dorms when the first game came out, and I can’t think of a worse place to be playing this. All of my buddies saw me fight and lose to Ursula twice before making it through, and they never let me live it down. I’d have been less embarrassed if I were caught masturbating to The Snorks.
There’s no justifying to your friends putting The Little fucking Mermaid in your party — I tried. “She’s at a really high level for this stage of the game, and I need her help.” No dice. You’ll catch less shit for cosplaying as the girl from Small Wonder. You’ll lose fewer friends by ordering Midori Sours at the bar. I can’t really think of anything that’d cause you to lose more cred than playing Kingdom Hearts in a public venue.
And yet, the game is incredible. The blend of Disney and Square characters, the combat system, even the kiddie-friendly storyline all work wonderfully. Everyone knows the concept sounds like a bad plot created by PlayStation-owning pedophiles, but any self-respecting RPGer has to play these games.
pretty sure leaving it out constitutes probable cause.
Use Kingdom Hearts in the presence of nerds whenever making fun of something enjoyable yet embarrassing. For instance, “Yeah, I still play Magic: The Gathering, but at least no one has seen me beat Kingdom Hearts.” Or, “Sure I’ve got the largest collection of Beanie Babies in North America, but I maintain that I have no idea what the hell a Sora is.”
When in doubt, rip-off Yakov Smirnoff
A lot of gamers don’t know who Yakov Smirnoff is, so let me familiarize you. He’s the funniest man that ever lived. Yakov is from Russia and was popular back in the ’80s when “USSR” was still the preferred nomenclature. He had only one joke, but it kicked so much ass that he only had to change it up a little bit to keep it going for four decades. They go a little something like, “In America, people eat hamburgers. In Soviet Russia, hamburger eat you!”
Take your time. I know that’s a lot of funny to process all at once. When you’re ready, you can use this exact phrase and include the opposite of any video gaming action. As long as all the gamers you’re with have had their Zoloft prescriptions filled you should be golden. Examples:
In Soviet Russia…
…Wiimote waggle you!
…pellet wakka you!
…Natal seem like good idea to you!
Best of all, if you’re not a gamer and don’t know anything about your boyfriend’s “Nintendo tapes” it can still work. Just throw any three video game-ish terms together before “you!” For instance:
In Soviet Russia, Sega Mario dual shock you!
Missouri. Also used as concept art for EA’s Dante’s Inferno.
The list above is by no means comprehensive. In fact, I could probably do a whole post just on Mario, so feel free to add some of your favorite in-jokes down in the comments for future entries.
*I’m not voiding my guarantee or anything — I just wanted to mention how fucking sweet that Planet Zebes T-shirt sounds. Cafépress, make it happen.