This week on Hit or Miss: PC gamers get pissed when Infinity Ward decides to turn the PC into a console (who could have guessed?); Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer once again apparently doesn’t know what he’s talking about when talking about his own company; video games get into the Halloween spirit; and another Cho Aniki game heads to the U.S. just to make you feel uncomfortable about your sexuality.
Infinity Ward Ditches Dedicated Servers for PC Modern Warfare 2
I’ll be honest: I’m not much of a PC gamer, so I have no idea what the big deal is about all this. I understand there is a big deal in Infinity Ward ditching dedicated servers for a more console-like matchmaking service in Modern Warfare 2, but when I hear “dedicated servers” I think it probably has something to do with butlers. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, though. The news headlines would have been a lot different if it did. “Infinity Ward Fires Hundreds of Personal Butlers,” or something.
But I do know a kick-ass bandwagon to jump on when I see it. That’s why I’ve decided to pursue shameless self-promotion by turning this article into the only thing that can still change the world in the 21st century: a pointless Internet petition.
It’s simple. Email this article to every pissed off friend you know with the subject line, “Infinity Ward Petition.” If none of your friends is angry about this, email this article to them anyway with the subject line, “Super Amazing Michael Jackson Keyboard Cat” and then the word “boob” as many times as you feel necessary, based on your friend’s level of depravity. Then tell them to sign their name in the comments section, and if I’m — sorry, if we’re (this is a group effort!) able to amass 50,000 signatures, we’ll have gotten 50,000 hits! I mean, a really good petition! And I’ll personally deliver it to Mr. Infinity Montgomery Ward myself. Yes we can! Yes we can!
(I don’t actually know him, so… Shoe, maybe you can help with that part?)
Ballmer Suggests Blu-ray Drive for 360, Major Nelson Denies
Three cheers for the horribly inaccurate loose lips of Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. First he caused confusion about his own company’s plans for the next Xbox. Now he’s wrong about their plans for external Blu-ray players. I’m beginning to suspect Microsoft keeps him occupied in a ball pit most of the time, letting him out only when there’s a microphone nearby.
But it’s a good thing Ballmer was wrong (or misspoke, or whatever the hell) about Microsoft releasing an external Blu-ray player for the Xbox 360, because that strikes me — in my infinite wisdom about consumer electronics — as kind of a really bad idea. Am I wrong, or does that sound as enticing as buying a microwave that you have to plug into your toaster before you can use it? I mean, obviously people would buy that. What other possible option is there to microwave their delicious frozen meals?
A simple standalone Blu-ray player or PlayStation 3, you say? Well, yeah, but you kind of ruined my metaphor, dude.
Look at These Cool Video Game Pumpkins!
Okay, this isn’t technically news, but devientART user “ceemdee” posted a ton of amazing gaming-inspired jack-o-lanterns this week, so why not get into the Halloween spirit by giving them a look? Yes, this is a really flimsy pretext to look at some cool game-related pumpkins, but as a man who takes pride in pumpkin carving every year, I say this in my defense: Look at these cool game-related pumpkins!
There’s this Shadow of the Colossus pumpkin, perfectly capturing the game’s awesome sense of scale.
Or how about this strikingly accurate Pitfall design?
And of course the eternal struggle between Plant and Zombie.
I mean, dag, right? Now aren’t you glad you went along with this flimsy pretext to look at cool pumpkins?
…Fine, don’t look at these pumpkins. I didn’t want to show you them anyway.
Cho Aniki Zero Coming to U.S. PlayStation Store
There, an actual news story. Happy now? This is what you get for not enjoying video game pumpkins.
If you’ve never heard of Cho Aniki, boy are you in for a treat. Here’s what you basically need to know: First, imagine the movie 300. Now imagine the scene where the Persians shoot millions of arrows at the Spartans, except replace the arrows with gyrating muscle men in thongs. Then replace the Spartans with freakish, bald Japanese men wearing gigantic metal cod pieces over their crotches.
“Kris, you ignorant slut!” you say (man, you’re talkative this week). “There is no possibility for this to exist!” Oh really?
Now that you’ve been eye-ravaged by that video, you’re ready to understand why I’m psyched about Cho Aniki becoming more popular in the U.S., as it’ll at last dispel one of the great enduring fallacies in video gaming: that this series is homoerotic. If you think a gay man would find this erotic, stop and consider how turned on you’d be by a video game about flying, large breasted women battling gigantic vaginas with bat wings that shoot smaller robot vaginas that shoot lasers shaped like lobsters. Yes, laser lobsters.
Shhh… Let me help you with your answer. If you’re getting off to any of this, you’re a psychopath.