This week on Hit or Miss: Miyamoto regrets that the world doesn’t have more furries; Disney Epic Mickey finally becomes official (with an officially stupid name); Double Fine gives away Brutal Legend content on the PlayStation 3 but not the Xbox 360; and I recount the litany of reasons why it wouldn’t surprise me if that was Microsoft’s fault and not Double Fine’s.
Miyamoto Wishes More People in Japan Loved Star Fox
I swear I must have played through Star Fox 64 at least a hundred times in my life, so I can sympathize with ol’ Jet Moto’s lament (I call Shigeru Miyamoto “Jet Moto” in hopes of getting the nickname to catch on). But I’d like to add a spin to it of my own: I wish more people who make Star Fox games loved Star Fox.
“Every time we make a Star Fox game I’m hoping people will enjoy it as much as I do,” Miyomoto said to MTV Multiplayer. “Of course the goal every time is to try and make it more and more fun but, at least in Japan, the people that purchase the Star Fox games has decreased over the years.”
Let me suggest a theory: Could it be because you’ve completely failed in that goal by making every Star Fox game since Star Fox 64 suck increasingly larger balls? Seriously, who’s bright idea was it to turn a kickass on-rails shooter into a Rare collectathon? That is literally the last genre Star Fox needed to be. Survival horror would have worked better, for cripes sake.
All I’m saying is you need to establish a control: First make a kickass Star Fox game again, and then if no one in Japan gives a damn, you can blame Japanese gamers and not the games. And then after that, screw them and keep making Star Fox games anyway, because I like Star Fox, damn it.
Disney Epic Mickey is a Stupid Name
That’s all I wanted to say, really. Epic Mickey worked as a descriptive temporary title, but actually calling it Disney Epic Mickey is stupid and makes no stupid sense. And it sounds like they randomly pulled a few words out of a hat. Was “Grandiose Mickey Journey Activity” already trademarked?
It’s not even Disney’s Epic Mickey. Disney is not taking ownership; his name is just sitting there. And what makes it so much more epic than any other Mickey game, huh? You know what was pretty epic? Mickey Mania. But you didn’t see that game making a big stink about it, did you?
Alas, I suppose there is a historical precedence here. A lot of people don’t know this, but Walt Disney’s original title for Fantasia was Disney Child Psychotrip.
Brutal Legend Map Pack Temporarily Free for PS3, Not for 360
That’s right. Hiss. A hit and a miss. Giving away the first set of new maps for Brutal Legend on the PS3 for the first two weeks? Awesome. Charging for it from the start for the 360? Balderdash. Balderdash, tomfoolery, shenanigans, malarkey, poppycock, and every other awesome old-timey word for bullshit people don’t use anymore.
It’s bad enough Xbox Live Gold members often pay for DLC for some games that have free DLC on the PC. But now paying for things that are free on the PS3, too? What are we, animals? A lesser species? Does the video games industry regard Xbox Live Gold members like the goo-pod people in the Matrix, farmed for a steady flow of dependable revenue?
…Well, sure, the racist, high, homophobic, bad-attempt-at-freestyle-rapping Xbox Live jerks polluting the service are probably deserving of such debasing treatment. But that’s not all of us, honest! Can’t you give us just one, tiny break, Mircosoft?
Microsoft Not Dropping XBL Gold Fee for Netflix Users
Oh come on! Boy was it a bad week for Xbox Live Gold members, which once again raises the enduring question: Why the hell are we still paying for this?
Maybe a better question: Why did we pay for Xbox Live in the first place? Well, according to Microsoft’s 2005 press release announcing the then-new Xbox Live Gold and Silver membership split on the 360: “[Xbox Live Gold] …includes online multiplayer gaming, enhanced matchmaking and feedback tools, along with exclusive privileges and rewards on Xbox Live Marketplace.”
But of course! “Exclusive privileges.” You know, like the privilege of that highly trustworthy peer-to-peer “enhanced matchmaking” that often gives the host a leg-free advantage (ask anyone repeatedly slaughtered by a shotgun-wielding host in Gears of War how much fun that is). Or how about the exclusive privilege of still having to look at advertisements and online product placements in your subscription service? (This Chewtastic Madden NFL 10 multiplayer session brought to you by Snickers!) And of course, the privilege of having to pay to view the Netflix subscription you already pay for.
And the ballsiest part? Not only is Microsoft not dropping the fee for Netflix, but according to some analysts, Microsoft may be raising (raising!) the price of Live in the future. Sure, analysts can say anything they want and call it analysis, but this time what they’re saying suits my argument so I’m choosing to momentarily respect them.
So where does all this madness leave us? With two choices, far as I can tell. 1) We can use the transformative power of the Internet to band together and stage a full Xbox Live boycott, canceling every subscription across the world and forcing Microsoft to at last listen to decency and reason. Or 2) continue to call each other homophobic slurs and freestyle rap terribly in Gears of War.
Your move, gaylords [insert human beatboxing here].