This week on Hit or Miss: Leona Lewis’s Final Fantasy 13 advertisement spurs an unlikely trial of dark introspection; “Missile Command movie? More like, MISS-ile Command movie, am I right?”; David Jaffe scores a hat trick of kick-ass quotes; and Bobby Kotick manages to make me recognize him as a human being. It won’t last long, Kotick, so enjoy this while it lasts.
Leona Lewis Shills for Square Enix and Final Fantasy 13
This advertisement caused me to ask a lot of questions. For instance, who the hell is Leona Lewis? And why do I care what she thinks of Final Fantasy 13? I know she has a song in the game, but so what? I don’t even care what people who have songs in Rock Band think about Rock Band, so what do I care about her thoughts on a role-playing game?
In fact, why should I care what any pseudo-celebrity thinks about a video game? Unless they actually had something to do with making it, like Vin Diesel? Or being in it, like Shaquille O’Neal and Shaq Fu?
Why the hell hasn’t anyone ever interviewed Shaquille O’Neal about what he was thinking with Shaq Fu? Or Kazaam? Or Steel? How did Shaquille O’Neal make so much crap and manage to still be famous?
You know what was also terrible? Remember Bruce Willis starring in that PS1 game Apocalypse like ten years ago? Man that game sucked, didn’t it? Kind of a rip-off of the better but way more generic PS1 game One, don’t you think? Does anyone remember One? Did I just show my age? Man, I’m getting old, aren’t I?
Fuck me, I’m depressed. Thanks, Leona Lewis, you soul-crushing monster.
Someone Might Actually Make a Missile Command Movie
Remember when you could say, “What’s next, a Tetris movie?” and be joking? Well don’t, because at this point that might actually be next.
Atari has announced their intentions to sell the rights to Missile Command for a film flurbitation, and even for a company that’s already pushed an Asteroids movie upon the world, this is a tremendously stupid idea. At least Asteroids has things flying in space, which last I checked could make any stupid movie marginally entertaining. But what’s Missile Command gonna do, show us 90 minutes of a stationary turret aiming?
So I say if Hollywood’s going to be this arbitrary in choosing what video games to flurbitate into movies, then they must be forced to fill out the plot of Missile Command in one of two equally arbitrary ways: Take The Lonely Islands’s “Space Olympics” and change the words “Space Olympics” to “Missile Command,” or use mad libs. For instance:
“In the book War of the Cities, the main character is an anonymous Space Cadet who records the arrival of Missiles in Zardon. Needless to say, havoc reigns as the Missiles continue to Attack everything in sight, until they are killed by the common Missile.“
Holy shit that worked out way too well.
David Jaffe Says the Darnedest Things
He called his own game a mistake! He’s kind of accidentally confirmed a new Twisted Metal, maybe! He wants to see more commercial games on Xbox Live and PSN, and you know he means it because he’s cursing!
Jaffe is like the Quentin Tarantino of video game developers. And I don’t necessarily mean his games are particularly QT-esque, but that I could totally see him creating the game-equivalent of a weirdly specific video like this on his spare time.
In other words, he’s a passionate loudmouth with opinions, and I say that appreciatively, because it makes for an awesome combination in an industry where press relations and messages are often as controlled and micro-managed as in politics.
By the way, Jaffe also hinted this week that his new game would feature “vehicles,” but not necessarily just “cars.” I really hope that means robot ostriches classify as vehicles. Why? Because I want to play a Twisted Metal-style game with robot ostriches, obviously.
Bobby Kotick Regrets Coming Across Like “a Dick”
And finally, while giving a keynote address at the DICE summit earlier this week, Activision CEO and Deep Earth Lizard King Bobby Kotick made a startling revelation: He has feelings, and they’re kind of hurt.
“All my life, I’ve been the rebel in the X-wing fighter,” Kotick said in his speech, addressing his negative image with touching nerdiness. “And then one morning I woke up and I was on board the Death Star.”
Look, I’ve certainly made my share of jokes at Activision’s (and specifically Kotick’s) expense, portraying them as callous, moronic, apocalyptic, and — believe it or not — once even accusing Kotick of being King of the Deep Earth Lizards. But let me say this: The dude is running a gigantic corporation and it’s his job to make it profitable. Maybe that means a lot of sequel regurgitation and ominous quotes, but hey — his company has also made some great games, too.
And besides, if it weren’t for guys like Kotick — the villains you love to hate, the heels who make it possible to cheer for the faces — then where would we (and by “we,” I mean “idiots like me who have to fill a quota of stupid jokes every week”) be? The world needs Bobby Kotick. I salute you, sir!
…
…But that said, Kotick’s speech also made this the second week in a row where Activision made a weirdly backhanded comment about one of their own developers. Saying he should have partnered with Harmonix may sound like “I’m being honest and self-effacing!” to us, but to Neversoft it probably sounds more like “fuck you for making us a lot of money.”
So maybe you’re not a Force-choking evil emperor, Kotick, but sorry, you do sometimes sound like a passive-aggressive dick. And by golly, we wouldn’t have it any other way!