This week on Hit or Miss: Microsoft plans to shatter millions of online relationships with reality-based Avatars; Sony’s motion controller will break new ground in the little-explored genres of sports and family games; Sony might really break new ground in premium online services by making theirs a fair and decent deal; and a brand new version of Dragon’s Lair reminds us why it kicks ass to be alive today.
Microsoft Patents System to Make Your Avatar Look Like You
I’ve read this story five times, and I still can’t wrap my brain around what the hell Microsoft was thinking. Selling a game designed to make you exercise is one thing, but actively making consumers feel bad about themselves every time they turn on your console? That takes balls so big Microsoft’s own life-accurate Avatars will barely be able to walk.
But the more insane subtext to this system is Microsoft would basically be reminding you that the more time you spend playing with your Avatar on their console, the more it and you will resemble a chubby sack of dough. So hell, maybe this is a good idea. I know we have a lot of obese dino-humes in this country, but when it reaches the point where even Microsoft is telling you, “Dude, stop giving us money and go for a walk,” this must be epidemic-level fatness.
There are two key flaws to this plan of madness, though: 1) As far as I can tell Avatars don’t do shit. So unless a fat-ass Avatar will get pathetically winded trying to enthusiastically wave its arms in 1 vs. 100, I don’t really see this providing any “incentives” to get anyone fit. 2) If an overweight person’s real life body hasn’t inspired them to get into better shape, do you really think a chunky virtual persona that barely resembles them will? The first one can get diabetes. That’s about as strong as incentives get, and last I checked Krispy Kreme is still in business anyway.
Small aside: You might be thinking the “Avatar Individualized by Physical Characteristic” system is a clunky name, but it is probably better than Microsoft’s original name for the system, which I believe was “Hey You Fucking Fatty.”
Sony’s Motion Controller is the Future! Pow! Super!
In an interview with GamePro this week, Sony’s John Koller promised their motion controller will usher in the future of motion controllers. This was about as surprising as hearing Hulkamania politely ask what you’ll do when he runs wild on you. Let the obligatory smack talk commence!
“We look at motion control as being that much more than what exists on the market,” Koller explained, saying Natal and Wii will “have trouble matching” their motion controller in certain key areas. And those areas are? “I think the areas that are going to be really critical to our success will be family games, as well as shooters and sports games.”
This interview was transmitted in print, so I can’t tell for sure if Koller managed to keep a straight face when he said this. Because to suggest that the Sony Wand or Gem or whatever the hell they want to call it will differentiate itself from the Wii with sports games and family games is like saying a new vampire movie will differentiate itself from the other glut of vampire movies with the addition of more vampires.
Survey Provides Potential Details on Premium PSN Content
As we all know by now, Sony is considering launching a premium version of the PlayStation Network that would require a monthly fee. Now, it’s easy to assume the worst in a vacuum, which is why I naturally pegged even the broad concept of a premium PSN service — hazy like a face slowly emerging in a fogged mirror — with a probably premature Miss back in November.
Turns out, that face is kind of hot. Details of a new survey popped up this week that give a glimpse of what premium content Sony is considering, and by God, it actually sounds like a reasonable and enticing service. Highlights include potentially unlimited access to PSOne Classics and PSP Minis, one-hour trials for PS3 games, and cloud storage space, all for a price potentially as low as $30 a year.
Of course, half of the point of surveys is to fish for the line just before the point where your consumers would tell you to go fuck yourself, which is why this survey also hints at less stellar options (we call them “Microsoftian”) like having to pay for Facebook access, Netflix without a disc, and cross-game chat, for a price potentially as high as $60 a year.
So if this face turns out to be the hot chick in the bathroom in Kubrick’s “The Shining” who suddenly turns old and haggard and disgusting, well then…I’ll be really disappointed, Sony! And there will be nothing I can do about it! So there.
Dragon’s Lair Releasing on DSiWare, Makes 1980s Technology Feel Like Shit
And finally, let’s pause for a moment and take stock in just how awesome now is. In 1983, people played Dragon’s Lair like this:
And by the end of 2009, we’ll play it on this:
And not just as a normal DS game you have to buy in a store existing in physical reality. We’ll play it as a motherflippin download you can snatch out of thin air. This happened in the span of about 30 years. By this calculus, in another 30 years, I imagine the act of playing a video game could actually resemble something like this:
Except that in an effort to make us want to be healthier, the synthetic characters we control with our minds while in hibernation will probably look more like this: