Editor’s note: Comedy and horror mix well. Think of the funny moments in the A Nightmare on Elm Street films. Travis gives us a humorous breakdown of the different types of zombies in horror games. Have you encountered any — or all — of them? -Jason
When I think of horror games, I think, “Is there anything on TV?” After a quick consultation with my cable box, I then seek out the most recent zombiefest.
Sure, some horror games don’t have zombies, but no one really liked Dino Crisis (and if you do, I recommend that you keep it to yourself). Zombies in horror games are as diverse as the developers that use them as a convenient excuse to spam enemies. Let’s have a look at a few varieties and how they can work for your wisecracking need.
The ‘Drunk Buddy’ Zombie
You’re out at the bar with your friends on a Saturday night, and somewhere between beers two and three, you discover that one of you is “really taking the breakup hard.” He’s been ordering shots of bourbon with a tequila chaser (known locally as the “caliente redneck”), and before anyone realizes to stop him, he’s become fantastically drunk by 10 p.m. Your night is over; Drunk Buddy is officially your problem now.
Your Drunk Buddy can’t hurry anywhere. He can’t even really walk and frankly sucks at ambling. He’s belligerently violent, but only if you get within an arm’s reach. He occasionally wants a hug that lasts awkwardly too long. Chances regrettably favor you getting puked on before the night’s out.
Sound familiar? DB is the most common enemy in the first few entries of the Resident Evil series. Slow and deliberate, these early survival-horror games relied on somewhat stiff controls to invoke suspense and dread. The player could simply run past many of these zombies in the interest of ammo conservation, but that’s a really shitty thing to do to a friend. If only the Raccoon City IHOP was open late — you probably could’ve cured the whole plague.
This parallel between asshole former roommate that was dumped by his girlfriend for entirely legitimate reasons and common zombie can work for you next time you have the dubious honor of being named Sober Sister. Just shoot him in the head. Or leave him at the police department.
The ‘Beatlemania’ Zombie
“OMG, THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE COMING TO OUR STATE FAIR/MEGAMALL/OFFSEASON SPORTS FACILITY?” The age-old tradition of tween and preteen girls’ obsession with the cute band of “boyz” du jour has spawned a new breed of infected nightmares. Games like Left 4 Dead, Resident Evil 5, and State of Emergency (those were zombies, right? Whatever — that game sucked) include this type of baddy. Zombies that are both hopped up on enough Red Bull from the previous night’s sleepover to run and familiar enough with the venue to flank are the new “it” thing.
Every couple of years some executive gets the idea that he should re-re-re-re-release The White Album, and you start seeing Beatles documentaries again. Treat these like gameplay clips — you can pick up a lot of strategy tips here. Beatlemaniacs attack in hordes, scream to point out the location of their prey, and have no problem running right at their target in spite of any security/shotguns that might stand in their way. In short, both parties are fucking terrifying.
You can bring up the undead to great effect next time Radio Disney announces another New Kids on the Block reunion tour or the next time Miley Cyrus rejoins Twitter. Just tell your friends that you’re stocking up on ammo and health packs on account of the intel provided by Tiger Beat magazine. Shit, that might not be a joke. I think I’ll fill the bathtub up and break out the Y2K pantry, just in case.
The ‘Wet Cat’ Zombie
Just about every zombie game ever made has some version of this monster — a special type of zombie that crawls around, has enormous claws, a rough tongue, and appears more frequently as you near the end of the game. RE calls them “Lickers.” L4D calls them “Hunters.” And I call them ‘baff time for kitties.”
With the previous types I was drawing several parallels to real-world phenomena, but not here. There isn’t any difference between a wet cat and a Wet Cat Zombie. In fact, I count owning two cats among my qualifications as a Zombie Apocalypse Survivor (if you’re wondering, yes — this is on my business cards).
Wet Cat Zombies behave like their cuddly counterparts beyond wanton blood thirst. They’re also always trying to get under your feet for attention; it’s only a matter of time until Nibbler trips me in the dark and proceeds to feed on my corpse until I’m discovered two weeks later. That’s like my third biggest fear right after Restless Leg Syndrome (aka “The Jimmy Legs”) and eating at a Golden Corral. Creepy stuff.
Give this one a shot the next time you’re actually bathing a cat. It does not count if you’re bathing a dog, as the biggest risk in that is getting the whole house wet and having your heart warmed with adorableness. Cat bathing is legitimate training for the end of the world; is your family prepared?
So those are a few hellspawn to look out for in your neighborhood. Did I miss some? Do you see a striking resemblance between a barista and a L4D “Smoker”? Drop it in the comments, and Happy Horror Week.
