Editor’s note: I’ve always enjoyed Travis’s How to Make a Gamer Laugh posts. But few things make this jaded Pac-10 football fan chortle more than seeing Florida’s Tim Tebow in emotional pain. I ask you to join me in savoring Tebow’s tears. -Jason
A couple of days ago, a buddy of mine asked me if I was afraid that I’d run out of material for these posts. I was incredulous. He’s a gamer, too, so I couldn’t grasp how he could possibly think ridiculousness is a finite resource when it comes to video games.
We live in a world where brothers smash brothers, gamers waggle controllers, and Bayonetta’s release is imminent. Sega has made a game about a half-naked hair doll that shoots angels like a Crip, and that she’s a witch is the most mundane detail about her. As long as we keep playing stuff like this, I’ll be set for decades to come.
Wario gets a bad rap
People hate on Wario, and I just don’t get it. He’s an out-of-shape plumber in an ugly outfit who’s only after coins. Mario is the exact same guy with a more linear moustache, and he’s universally loved; it’s a damn double standard.
Mario’s so greedy that he gains an extra life for collecting 100 coins. That’s way beyond standard avarice — that’s a medical condition. Also, people give props to Mario for rescuing the Princess, but think about it: Is Mario really an altruist? Everyone knows he’s banging Peach, right? They really couldn’t make it any more obvious. He’s fighting Bowser (who’s rightfully recognized as a king) and saving the Princess because he’s a covetous, regicidal sex addict. This revelation, combined with the news about Tiger Woods, means, truly, that are no more heroes are left. I weep for the children.
Wario, on the other hand, is just a guy trying to make a buck — a hard working, Japanese-Italian-American getting by in a tough economy. His endgame is an honest living, not lewd, cartoonish sex and ill-begotten immortality. On top of that, he takes care of his brother, Waluigi — who I’m fairly certain is a special-needs child.
You can use this in conversation anytime you see a good person treated like a villain. It works best when discussing movies about inner-city kids that finally make good due to the inspiration of a single educator. Dangerous Minds or Lean on Me, for example. Those kids were never bad; they just needed the right motivation from someone who recognized their inner Warios!
Kratos must live on the bad side of Greece
I’ve been playing through the God of War collection on PS3 recently, and something about the series strikes me as wrong. All the promotional material my travel agent has on Greece shows off clear water beaches and awe-inspiring ruins. I get that GOW takes place in Ancient Greece, but it can’t be that different. I’ve seen exceptionally few Minotaurs running around. What gives?
I guess it isn’t too far-fetched that the Medusae, Harpies, and Cerberuses are just on the other side of the country. Shit, people visit America, and so long as they stay out of the South, they’re fine. But what’s keeping the demon-beast things from crossing over to the touristy locales?
Also, I’ve known plenty of Greek people, and from what I can tell, none were born of a country terrorized by affronts to nature. If you believe God of War, everyone that has survived any amount of time in Greece should be some cross between Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man and Sylvester Stallone in Judge Dredd. Instead, they look like this:
I just don’t know what to believe. If I were to visit Sera, would I find a Locust army? If I were to visit Zebes, are weird spiky animal things running around? I’m starting to think Ancient Greek mythology might be bullshit….
You can mention the stark difference between Greece and Kratos’ Greece anytime you go somewhere that doesn’t turn out as advertised. Like when you’re at Disneyland and the Pirates of the Caribbean ride is suspiciously devoid of rape, murder, and actual piracy. Come to think of it, the same applies to the Hall of Presidents.
Tim Tebow cried at the SEC Championship
Hang on a second — I’m sure I can work video game reference in here somewhere. While you wait, drink this in:
Got it. When I was in college, I had friends that would make wagers on real-world games based on the results of simulating the match-up in Madden NFL or NCAA Football. They were wrong about as often as they were right because those games use simple, numerical ratings to calculate how the real thing might go down. Those ratings include things like speed, throwing accuracy, and experience. They do not include intangibles like whether or not your quarterback is a one-trick choke artist with easily hurt feelings that won’t last a day in the NFL.
Perhaps EA can turn this into an opportunity. It shouldn’t be that hard to add in a stat for emotional players and have it affect the team’s sideline and end-of-game reactions. In fact, if anyone out there releases a game in which I can make Tim Tebow or any other Florida Gator cry, I’ll buy it right now. Name your price. Instant Game of the Year material.
You can bring up the sweet, sweet tears of Florida’s Tebow anytime you feel bad about yourself. Had a bad day at work? At least you didn’t cry about it. Tebow would’ve sniffled the whole way home. Also, you never had to live in Gainesville, Fla.
Follow me on Twitter @Cojirro. It’ll help you deal with the six days each week you’re not reading these posts and wishing there were something better on television.