This week on Hit or Miss: Capcom announces Super Street Fighter 4, causing old-school fighting game fans to wonder what asinine process landed them on “Super” and not “Turbo” or “Championship Edition” or “Hyper Fighting”; Electronic Arts apparently momentarily forgets what console they were programming for; Electronic Arts apparently momentarily forgets what Spore is all about when they decide to turn it into a movie; and Jack Thompson emerges from whatever shameful troll-layer he’s been hiding in to remind us all what makes him Jack Thompson.
Capcom Announces Super Street Fighter 4
What person who played games throughout the 1990s didn’t feel a special tingle in their heart when Capcom announced Super Street Fighter 4 earlier this week?
Eight new characters?! Rebalanced gameplay?! All in a new game that makes the one I just bought a few months ago obsolete?! Wow! Call me a nostalgic fogey, but man it feels good to get screwed over the old-fashioned way.
Yeah, yeah — I’m sure all you fancy-pants, techno-age, Twittering-my-Facebook-status whippersnappers think you’re the only generation to ever be swindled by nickel-and-diming game publishers. But wait until you buy eight different damn versions of the same game within two years and then tell me how rough you have it with stupid DLC that costs a couple of bucks. And you know what the crazy part of all this is? If Capcom had released this new content as a series of stupid DLC add-ons that each cost a couple of bucks, I probably would have been pissed.
What can I say? Nostalgia is a powerful agent.
360 Version of Need for Speed: Shift Tries to Access PlayStation Store
Okay, technically, this story kind of happened over a week ago — last Sunday, to be exact. I’m making an executive decision to allow this, because this story is hilarious.
In case you missed it, apparently when FreakBit writer “enigmax” was playing Need for Speed: Shift online on the Xbox 360, the game crashed, and yes, appeared to do so while trying to access the PlayStation Store. There is photographic proof of this, which is good, because otherwise this would be the kind of story that would sound like the ramblings of a madman.
Seriously, how does this happen? I’ve been thinking about it for days, and I’ve only come up with two scenarios: 1) the game was developed inside a generic Hollywood thriller, there were two discs with online code for the PS3 and 360 versions on some dude’s desk, and he mislabeled them during a dolly-zoom accompanied by an ominous musical sting and 2) shittons of booze.
Luckily for EA, though, they’ve already been upstaged in this year’s running for Single Greatest Instance of Failure — nothing’s going to top roughly 500 Chicagoans simultaneously having their souls crushed as one (nothing against Chicago, but I could watch that clip all day).
EA and 20th Century Fox Making Spore into a Movie
You know why stubborn critics like Roger Ebert refuse to acknowledge video games as art? Because their only exposure to video games is through movies based on games that have no damn business being made into movies.
That being said, as strange as it may seem to turn a game all about player customization into a film, I’m actually looking forward to this one. Oh, sure, I scoffed at first, but then — and I can’t reveal how this came into my possession — I received an early draft of the Spore script from a confidential source, and it really looks like they’re sticking closely to what made the game so fun.
It’s probably going to be rated NC-17.
Jack Thompson Sues Facebook for $120 Million
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my new favorite story ever. Disgraced and disbarred Florida attorney Jack Thompson is suing Facebook for $120 million in emotional damages, alleging that Facebook has allowed an “I Hate Jack Thompson” group to remain on their site after he requested that it be removed. In his lawsuit, Thompson alleges the group has demonstrated “a pattern of conduct to strike out harshly, extensively, repeatedly, and willfully to simply try to bring as much difficulty, distraction, and anguish to those they consider in opposition to their causes.”
…No, wait, sorry. That’s actually what Judge Dava Tunis wrote in her report of Jack Thompson’s disbarment hearing in 2008. What the Facebook group did, you can be sure, was far worse: They posted messages like, “Jack Thompson should be smacked across the face with an Atari 2600.” I mean, damn, right? Why don’t these monsters just go ahead and say what they really think and post messages about assassinating the President of the United States?
…No, wait, sorry, that’s the completely insane connection Jack Thompson made himself in the lawsuit, when he compared this group to a poll a Facebook member posted asking whether President Barack Obama should be assassinated (which Facebook immediately removed when they became aware of it).
So…guy saying Thompson should be smacked with a piece of plastic and poll suggesting something so horrible I don’t even want to write it again for fear of attracting the attention of the Secret Service. Eh, yeah, I’d say they rate about the same. [Not really, Secret Service – Ed.]
But come on, to say such things about Jack Thompson? Look at that adorable face! I’d get it if you said you wanted to smack, say, Charlie Manson with a game system, because what scum would ever defend that guy — but Jack Thompson?
…No, wait, sorry. Jack Thompson actually kind of defended that guy, saying, “If I were Charles Manson, that wouldn’t warrant the postings.”
Can someone please smack this idiot with an Atari 2600 already?
