This week on Hit or Miss: Jamie Foxx joins a game adaptation that finally makes sense (but will still likely suck); I explain the probably completely inaccurate connection between Sega’s Yakuza games and Tom Berenger; a dude breaks his own damn hand playing a video game; and Sam Fisher provides the latest proof that nothing good ever comes from Twitter.
After one too many ridiculous decisions to flurbitate games into movies that have no business being movies, here is an adaptation for a game that actually has a story in it.
Annnnnd I’m still going to bitch about this, because it’s a story we never need to see in another movie again: two guys who kill a lot of people and blow a lot of things up while searching for a thing they need because if they didn’t there wouldn’t be an excuse for them to kill and blow up a lot of people/things.
Psssst, Hollywood. You probably didn’t need to adapt Kane & Lynch to make that movie! Seriously, you could make the exact same film and call it “Dude & Person,” and Eidos couldn’t sue you because they already ripped off the story of every other crappy action movie ever made.
Quick aside: Kotaku got a hold of a draft of the film’s script. Here is a (completely real, I didn’t make this up) excerpt of what lovely dialogue to expect:
Suddenly, I feel a lot less judgmental about that Missile Command movie…
I must first say this is coming from a complete Yakuza outsider. My PS2 finally suffocated under an unrelenting series of disc read errors right around the time I bought the first Yakuza, so I never got a chance to get into the series.
But as an outside Yakuza observer, I must observe it’s starting to look like the video game equivalent of The Substitute. I’m just asking, but if I ever do some day play these games, should I expect to be playing as Tom Berenger by game number 3? And then things get even worse when Treat Williams takes over in number 5?
Seriously, will Yakuza 6 be announced in two months and take place “In the Hood”? (Yeah, I transitioned into a Leprechaun analogy. Deal with it.) I’m just saying, this feels like a weirdly large amount of sequels being made in a remarkably short amount of time, and I wonder how they’re possibly keeping the quality up. Any Yakuza players want to fill me in?
First of all, holy crap that’s awesome.
Second, someone has to get the physician who leaked this guy’s x-ray stripped of his medical license. Look, I get it. Dude comes in with a broken hand and says it happened playing God of War 3, and it takes everything in you not to immediately post it all over the Internet and pat yourself on the back.
But patient/doctor confidentiality exists for a reason. If I can’t trust you to keep my idiocy private, then why would I ever seek medical attention the next time I, oh, dislocate my shoulder climbing up that stupid muddy hill in Heavy Rain? That shit is cumbersome.
As for the maniac hand-breaker, don’t feel sorry for him — he’s about to enjoy at least a year’s worth of kick-ass gamer cred. “Oh yeah? You think you’re hardcore, every other gamer on Earth? Well I played God of War 3 so hard I broke my hand.”
The tragic irony is he won’t be able to high-five the nearest person when he says that.
Thank you, Twitter, for finally having a good reason to exist: letting me see how hilariously awful Sam Fisher Tweets are. Or, as I like to call them, Sfeets.
This is a marketing idea so stupid, it had to pass through multiple levels of stupid filters to see the light of day. 1) Sam Fisher isn’t real. 2) Gamers are, on average, past the age of believing in unreal people.
3) Even accepting Sam Fisher was real, he’s a superspy gone rogue. And they want us to believe he’s going to make a Twitter account? This shit doesn’t even make sense within the fiction of the fictional character they’re trying to make believe isn’t fictional! Sam Fisher tweeting would be like Batman joining Facebook.
At least Ubisoft got one thing right: The tweets themselves are as completely pointless as you’d expect real-life tweets to be. For example (again, all real, none made up by me):
“i wasn’t always able to harness my anger – the teen years were tough. i took a lot of discipline to outrun my past.”
Please, please tell me this isn’t a hint that Conviction will feature a Bloodsport-style flashback to a clearly mentally challenged teen Fisher trying to steal the prize sniper rifle from the master government assassin who goes on to train him as a son.
“@egreif you’ve got to be kidding me. ironside was much better in top gun.”
Understand this means that somewhere between those formative teen years and snapping an assortment of necks, Fisher got around to watching the movie where Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer play beach volleyball. Jesus.
“when you believe, it’s easy to sacrifice. I never had any problem believing. Perception of power can be seductive.”
What the hell does that even mean?! That’s the sort of tweet William Shatner should be reading over a smooth bass lick and bongo beat.
“Hate is a powerful motivator. You get into the dark side of your character, and pull out what you need to get through…”
And lastly, realize we now live in a world where I can say “That’s what she said” in response to a tweet from Sam frickin’ Fisher. Despair.