Over the weekend, I was at the pub with my lady, when she asked what was wrong. I was fidgety and irritated — it showed. I wanted to ignore the question and move on, but she kept pestering.
“What’s wrong? Is it us? You hate my tight pants don’t you?” (Why would I hate tight pants?)
She was adding to my mood, so I pushed back in my chair and let her have it.
Time out…
Gears of War 2 has now consumed more time out of my life than any other game I’ve ever played, except for the first Super Mario Bros. Nope, I take that back. I don’t really remember last year, and this may be a sign of Gears’ grasp on me. Or I’m drinking too much, but that’s another story.
Saying this, I also have to acknowledge the overbearing problem Gears has. The hours and days I’ve put into its multiplayer have brought an onslaught of fury into the depths of my soul, which I can no longer ignore.
Time in…
“It’s that damn chainsaw! That friggin’ chainsaw is ruining my night!”
Time out…
Yes, the Lancer chainsaw is the vital flaw of Gears. Over the last six months, Epic has cleaned up almost everything in the game, from time-match delays to glitches to its ranking system. But not the chainsaw. I know many of you may have heard this before (I’m referring to my current rant on this irritating element of the game), but the reason for the annoyance is clear for any decent Gears player. The saw is simply the easiest way to kill someone at any time, as long as you’re somewhat physically close to them. You can pick up the controller, hold the B button, and run around like a moron in circles.
Epic has also attached another piece of equipment to the saw that is invisible to the naked eye: a vacuum. Yup, the chainsaw has been capable of sucking my ass into its grasp around corners and has snatched me up through my own shotgun blasts — I’m assuming by the same guy running around in circles with an enlarged and worn-out B button.
To some of you, this might be irrelevant. You may not even play Gears. But let me give you a similar example involving another popular game.
I’ve had a relationship with Street Fighter 2 since the early ’90s. I played it on SNES but preferred it in the arcade because of the joystick. If you’ve played SF2 for any length of time, then you’re aware of the “cheap” way to play — well, that’s what we used to call it.
It’s easy: tap, tap, tap, small kick, then throw. Tap, tap, tap, small punch, then throw. Either way it’s the same “drive you mad” shameful tactic any schmuck can pick up in about 60 seconds. It’s one of these intolerable moves that can be obnoxious to defend against, seizing the fun straight out of the game. The chainsaw is the “tap, tap, tap, throw” of Gears of War.
But, I have a solution for Epic.
Give the option for hosts to take the chainsaw out of the match. Problem solved. This will give decent players wanting to play with strategy and bullets some peace of mind, rather than letting them be consumed with uncertainty every time they hear the saw rev, thinking they’ll be sucked up into a bloody slop without a chance to counter.
Until then, I guess I’ll have to control the wrath entering my body after little Timmy chainsaws me in half for the eighth time, only to tell me how bad I suck at the end of the match. You know what, little Timmy? You were adopted and I’m your real dad.
Time in…
In the end, my date night ended better than it had started. She listened to my clarification of the chainsaw, much like you have here, and then calmed me down. But as she walked to the restroom, she granted me a soft pat on the back and a whisper in my ear.
“It’ll be all right, honey.”
This made me think for a minute, and maybe it’s just me, but I had the feeling that if I were wearing a straightjacket and sitting in a padded room, this little chain of events — from my tantrum to her tone and manner in her response — would have flawlessly fit in that situation as well.
Come to think of it, white is pretty calming….
