Editor’s note: Please read this important communique re: last night’s Call of Duty 4 match. -Demian
Dear fellow Call of Duty 4 player,
We were in a multiplayer match recently, and you disconnected before I could offer a fair rebuttal to your accusations, and so I wanted to take this opportunity, in a public forum, to express my dismay.
First off, I am not homosexual. Despite my gameplay shortcomings, and the way my Xbox Live headset ups the effeminate nature of my voice, I assure you that I have been attracted to women for as long as I can remember. I love the company of the opposite gender, both as friends and as sexual partners.
In fact, I have been with my current girlfriend for ten months now, and things are going very well, thank you. I guess all I mean is, when I shoot you, or you shoot me, or whatever gameplay event occurs, if you could refrain from incorrectly calling me “fag,” “faggot,” or implying that you just “butt-fucked” me with that last sniper kill, that would be much appreciated.
Also, if I may go off on a bit of a tangent, I would like to state, matter-of-factly, that there is a huge difference between getting “butt-fucked” and shot with a sniper rifle. They are different in many respects, for example, one involves a sniper rifle, while the other is primarily governed by the forceful insertion of…I should get back to the point at hand.
Secondly, I would like to admit that yes, I am new to the game. I only picked up Call of Duty 4 because I had heard such great things from friends and co-workers. I thought I might give it a try. And so far, I find it simply marvelous. That said, I do not know why you insist on calling me a “noob” and saying that I am cheating because I use the Juggernaut perk.
I use it because it gives me more health, which seems like a good thing, and because I haven’t yet unlocked anything better. I assure you, though, I have never actually won a game, and I rarely place in the top three, so you do not need to be concerned about my perk choices. They clearly are not helping.
Lastly, I would like to apologize for lying earlier in this letter, when I stated that you disconnected from me. This was false. In fact, I hastily disconnected from the game you were in, because I had lost every single match, and because everyone was repeatedly calling me all of those previously mentioned slurs.
I decided that I must be in a bad game, or at least a game with players that communicated and played at a level that I was not accustomed to or interested in. So, I would like to apologize for leaving your game, and thinking that any other game I joined would be any different.
I later learned that no matter what match I joined, no matter the gametype, my sexuality was still attacked, I was still considered a cheater, and I still lost every time.
So please, accept my apology, consider the requests I have made, and accept my sincerest admiration: Those letters in your clan tag DO look just like a penis when put in that order. Astounding creativity there.
Sincerely,
Adam Dorsey