Editor's note: Travis revisits his well-loved series with humor and emotional baggage in tow. If you can find time to comment between the gut-wrenching laughter, please do. Travis will need all the available help if he's to rekindle his long lost love with Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. -Omar
Hi. You don’t know me, but I used to write a semiregular column about things that make gamers laugh. Bored and bereft of any original ideas, I’ve returned to once again place video-game titles and dirty words in the same sentence. Come to think of it, you can ignore that subtitle because this is absolutely a comeback!
Yet another potential CBS viewer lost to LL Cool J’s
draconian rules regarding comebacks.
Halo: Reach, Soft Drinks, and You
On the outside chance you’re the only Bitmob reader who wasn’t aware, allow me to remind you about the public beta test for Halo: Reach. It’s exactly like regular Halo, only with jetpacks. Jetpacks. I was pretty sure I wanted a jetpack before I ever laid eyes on Reach. At this point, I’m willing to induce a coma in order to reduce the time between now and the future. Not the future, as in every moment after this one, but the future, as in the very moment jetpacks become commercially available.
I digress. It's already a pretty sure thing that Halo: Reach is going to be the biggest game release of the year. Jetpacks have taken that sure thing and put a comically large lock on it.
Courtesy: The Internet
Since we already know that the game is going to be a phenomenal success, I think we should start considering the opportunity of soft drink tie-ins. Some younger readers may not recall this, but when Halo 3 came out in 2007, it was accompanied by Mountain Dew Game Fuel. I’m no doctor, but I know a thing or two about science — specifically, flavor science. I’ve eaten jelly beans that accurately tasted like popcorn, cucumber, and pizza. Based on this data, I’ve concluded that the makers of Mountain Dew: Game Fuel intended for it to taste like lukewarm, day old apple slices stored in a glove compartment.
So what kind of product can we expect to see atop Mount Dew when Halo: Reach finally comes out? Well, I won't ignore the obvious choice — Halo: Peach, but peach-flavored Mountain Dew sounds pretty fucking terrible. Then again, a mealy, apple-flavored drink sounds worse, and yet, such a flavor made it through the presumably extensive vetting process for shelf space at Kroger. And it’s not like flavor scientists have a reason to shoot for the stars. Why? Because the best tie-in beverage conceivable has already been invented.
If you didn’t guess before seeing the picture,
your taste buds need to be checked out.
Call me an optimist, but I’m hopeful that the powers-that-be will just stick Master Chief on a can of standard Dew and call it a day.
3D Dot Game Heroes is an Actual, Working Time Machine
Look in your wallet. Do you have $40? Good. Go buy 3D Dot Game Heroes. Now find some free time, strip down to your underwear, and play while eating a healthy snack (carrot sticks are my favorite).
If you’re anything like me, you’ve employed those instructions with great success many, many times over. In fact, those directions accurately typify the happiest moments of my life between 1990 and 1995.
The game is nostalgic to say the least. But take the nostalgia one step further and you’ll swear you’ve been transported back to the Bill Clinton era (a difficult mistake to make, given the policy differences held by President Barack Obama). I recently spent a day playing this game and watching episodes of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show starring Captain Lou Albano. Needless to say, I came dangerously close to actually jumping back in time.
Don’t stare too long or you’ll end up having to buy Green Day’s Dookie again.
Remember four paragraphs ago when I mentioned that I’m a flavor-science expert? I’ve done similar research in the field of time travel by watching Back to the Future, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and several key episodes of Star Trek. Through this research, I’ve learned that time travel actually kinda sucks, not to mention the time-space continuum’s proclivity to get you to bone your own mom. The dilemma here is that 3D Dot Game Heroes is fucking awesome — Atlus is basically asking you to choose between a great game and avoiding prom night incest.
This isn’t the first time a Japanese company has tried to send me back in time.
Wait, I meant to say ‘is’. This is the first time.
Fortunately, I’ve come up with a solution. Just blast the living shit out of Lady Gaga’s "Telephone" while you play. The constant references to cell phones and obvious use of autotune will keep you planted firmly in 2010, allowing your PlayStation 3 to travel back to ’92 without you. You’re welcome, Stephen Hawking.
The Large Hadron Collider is really just a fancy,
expensive PS3. I’m on to you, CERN.
Brent Spiner and I are BFFs
Since this is a video-game community website, I’m writing under the assumption that everyone reading this knows who Brent Spiner is. If you don’t, here are a few simple steps to follow:
- Check the URL you entered. Perhaps you drastically misspelled MySpace.
- How old are you? If you answered 14 or younger, you’re excused from this exercise. Maybe Justin Bieber is on TV….
- Read this.
Now that everyone is up to speed, you can see why Mr. Spiner is something of a hero of mine. Not only am I a huge fan of his work on Star Trek: The Next Generation but also all of his other work in film (including Independence Day) and television. When I found out he was on Twitter, I was understandably beside myself and Tweeted as much. Imagine my surprise when he actually replied.
Read between the lines. Brent is doing more than casually and sarcastically addressing my rabid fandom — he’s inviting me to become his best friend. To me, the subtext of that Tweet is, “Travis, let’s be bros. Maybe we can go out sometime. Somewhere like Applebee's or Ruby Tuesday. Nice, but not so nice that a couple of buddies can’t go out for dinner there. I got us tickets to the ball game this weekend. You can live in my basement and do my laundry. Meeting you for the first time via an ambiguous Internet chat board has irreversibly and indelibly changed my life for the better. I already miss you.”
Here’s where things get bleak…. Brent has been radio-silent ever since our initial exchange. What the hell? Is this how guys act? I didn’t know rejection felt so terrible. I’ve got like 2.5-3 girls to apologize to.
Hence, I’m reaching out to you, Bitmob. How do I get a guy or, in this case, a famous actor to like me? Drop your advice in the comments. I know you’ve got my back.
Want more funny? Follow me on Twitter @Cojirro.