Welcome back to Hit or Miss, where I’ll tell weak-willed people how to feel about the biggest stories of the week. Strong-willed people, meanwhile, can tell me to cram it with walnuts.
This week: Science proves Tetris has magical brain-building powers (but the word is still out on the existence of magic); Sony insanely expects everyone who spent hundreds of dollars on an HDTV to spend more hundreds of dollars to play games in 3D; the Disney/Marvel acquisition brings out the best in Internet creativity; and The Tester tries to fool everyone into thinking a thankless entry-level job is a reality show prize.
Science: Tetris Engorges Your Cerebral Cortex
Or maybe it’s your amygdale… or the thalamus… or the cerebellum… or something. Whatever. Obviously, playing Tetris doesn’t make you a brain surgeon.
But this is still great news to me, because I’ve played so much damn Tetris in my life that I could probably play the game in my sleep (Tetris DX for the Game Boy Color clearly being the best version ever). So, by the transitive nature of these words I’m writing, this must then mean I’ve developed by now such an accumulation of extra grey matter that I possess latent mind powers the likes of which could help me rule the world!
To prove this theory, I will now awaken these powers by using my mind to levitate this stray puppy I found earlier today away from the gaping, hungry maw of this stray alligator I also found earlier today. Here goes:
Urrrrgh… unnnnngh….errrrrrrRRRAH– uh, ewwww. Wow. That didn’t work at all. What a massacre… Crap, why am I still typing all this? Better delete it using my mind powers to hold down the backspace key. Urgh…errrrrrrrrrrngh — oh yeah, that doesn’t work.
Eh, screw it.
Sony Planning to Introduce 3D TVs in 2010
Let this be where the line is drawn: To hell with 3D. Does anyone actually enjoy watching 3D movies? Yes, the gimmick is nice for about 10 minutes, but then you realize that (if it’s done well) it adds nothing substantial to the experience, or (if it’s done poorly) it’s an annoying distraction in the “Whooooa! I just blew bubbles directly into the audience and distractingly broke the fourth wall!” kind of way.
No, I’ve yet to ever play a next-current-gen-supreme-HD game in 3D, so for all I know this gimmick works a lot better interactively than it does in movies. But I’m not willing to spend the couple thousand dollars these things will surely cost to find out, and I suspect a lot of other gamers are with me on this.
Now, having said all that, and with the caveat that I am a filthy degenerate, let me explain to you why I’m going to buy one of these 3D TV’s anyway: three-dimensional pornography. I’ve been dreaming of this since the first time I saw stupid 3D dinosaurs at the IMAX as an impressionable youth, so don’t you let me down now, Sony!
Disney Acquires Marvel for $4 Billion
Now allow me to break my own fourth wall, and explain one of the hazards of writing a comedic article that goes up on Sundays: Sometimes, every good joke on a news story has already been done to death. For instance, the obvious angle with a story like this is to think of humorously incongruous ways the staple of Disney and Marvel characters could team up. This is an angle so obvious, it was already beaten to death about two hours after the news was announced.
My next strategy, then, was to point out how overdone these jokes were. But damn it, I was already beaten to that punch, too!
So here I am, reduced to Plan C: Using my highly attuned mental powers to erase the memories of everyone reading this to make these jokes fresh again. Urgh…. Urrrrrrrrrrrngh… fuck.
All right, fine, Plan D: Tap a dry well using lousy MS Paint skills.
See, it’s a Steamboat, but it’s Remy instead of Willie! How delightfully nonsensical!
Sony Planning a Reality TV Show Based on Video Game Testers
Ladies and gentleman, The Tester confirms it: Every moderately decent idea for a reality show has been done, and desperate networks will now approve any insane concept that involves some combination of challenges, prizes, and bi-pedal lifeforms.
Which is exactly why I’m proud to announce my partnership with venture capitalist and alleged moonshine bootlegger Jim Bumbergarden to launch my video game-related reality show: “Who Wants to Be an E3 Demo Attendant?”!
Excited? Of course you are! The game is simple: After a thorough and moonshine-fueled audition process, 12 hardest-of-the-hardcore gamers will be selected to endure a grueling series of challenges (such as “Unicycle Chainsaw Surprise,” “Jell-O Shark Ride,” and “Unicycle Chainsaw Surprise II”) that have absolutely nothing to do with being an E3 demo attendant. At the end, results will be ignored in favor of a random and arbitrary elimination process, with the Last Gamer Standing winning the grand prize: An opportunity to personally help demo an unreleased game from a major third-party publisher* at E3 2010!
“I’ve been looking to break into the lucrative ‘video game reality series’ market ever since The Tester was announced a few days ago,” said Bumbergarden about his decision to become involved with the show. “Kris’s idea really struck a chord with me, in that he repeatedly whipped me with a chord during a moonshine-fueled rage until I agreed to invest. I respect that kind of moxie.”
Stay tuned for sign-up info, and check your local listings this fall!
*Note: Demo game may or may not be from a reputable publisher, which may or may not be based in Nicaragua. Prize has an estimated value of $0, because the winner will go unpaid. Full health benefits are guaranteed, but do not cover shark and chainsaw wounds.