I am sick and tired of multiplayer games being online only. I want them to hark back to their local, offline roots, when my buddies and I could trade insults across the couch.
Recently, I've gotten my wish. Games like LittleBigPlanet 2, Donkey Kong Country Returns, and Dead Space: Extraction all feature the kind of local co-op that I've been crying and whining about on message boards for years.
Trouble is, these games have also made me realize that my friends are all unreliable assholes.
I am on the third the level of Dead Space: Extraction. I have made it to the third level of Dead Space: Extraction with my friends exactly seven times.
Why so many times? Because when I try to get a friend to play it, they flake out. So I try to get another friend to play it, and they flake out. This pattern has repeated itself across multiple friends. I realize that Dead Space: Extraction can be played solo, but I don't want to play it by my lonesome if the two-player option exists.
Also, I have a secret reason for wanting to play with a pal: I am an OCD-driven collection whore. I want that extra set of eyes to help me collect those damn shiny objects scattered around the level, because I am totally fucked if I miss one. There is no rewind button for rail shooters. If I miss that power node by a fraction of a second, I have to start over at the beginning of the level and play for three hours to get another shot at it.
My friends do not care. I can't tell you how many times we've made it to the end screen before we've realized that we missed something, only to hear my friend say, "We're supposed to collect the blue things?" Shit like that ruins friendships faster than throwing your buddy off a cliff in New Super Mario Bros. Wii.
I am on the third world of Donkey Kong Country Returns. I have made it to the third world of Donkey Kong Country Returns with my friends exactly three times. Luckily for me, the story in Nintendo games is as thin as an anorexic's wrist. I don't have to worry about my friends wanting to play from the beginning so that they can experience the story. They are more than happy to start at World 4.
The only problem is that this game is so fucking difficult, my friends are barely competent enough to survive Level 1-1, let alone anything in World 4. By the time I train them up through World 3, they're bored.
I hate my friends.
I am on the character creation screen of LittleBigPlanet 2, because every time I get one of my friends to play the game with me, they want to make their own character. They proceed to spend 15 to 20 minutes creating this character…and then get bored of the actual game after roughly eight minutes. I have about 30 characters in my Popit Menu.
Instead of having unoriginal friends that are happy to select one of the many created characters that already exist, I am stuck with all of the kids with residual urges to play dress-up left over from childhood. If I could time travel back 15 years back and keep my friend Jon's parents from finding his secret Barbie stash, I would. Maybe then we would be more than three levels into this game.
Or maybe I should just swear off co-op games entirely before I personally disown each and every one of my friends.
Chris Davidson is a stand-up comedian, writer, podcast host, electrical engineer, and Japanese swordsman. Check out his podcast and follow him on Twitter!