Editor’s note: Jazz shares his funny guide to finding the best game for you. Do you see yourself on the list? If so, share. While I love RPGs, I don’t really fit the profile. You guys talk to me, right? Right? -Jason
It’s not only been a long day at work but it’s been a long week. You come home to a complete mess of a house, and your significant other’s nagging you about your failing relationship. In this economy you don’t have the money to even think about paying the bills, especially since you bought that gaming console.
Oh, yeah! That’s why you bought that damn thing — for days like this. For when your life starts to suck like everyone else’s. But just what games are you going to play? Everybody’s unique, and everybody’s life sucks in unique ways. So everyone needs different types of games to escape from life, if just for a little while.
Game: Any first-person shooter
How you know it’s for you: You’ve been working the same retail job, one that was supposed to just hold you over for a little while, for the last 5 years. You’ve watched your best friend, and coworker, rise through the ranks from promotion after promotion while you haven’t seen one stinking raise. He’s now your boss, and he treats you like dirt.
You would kill him if you got the chance, but he never leaves his luxurious office to give you an opening. When you come home, it’s a struggle not to kick the dog and throw the game controller. But when you pop in a FPS and start raking up the frags, you start to feel slightly less like going postal…only slightly.
Phrase said by this type of gamer: “Take that, you stupid covenant sons of …! That’ll show you to take my job, drive what should be my car, and sleep with who should be my wife!!!”
Game: The Sims
How you know it’s for you: Really, your life isn’t that bad. It’s not that good, but it’s not that bad. You make it to work on time every day. You find time to do chores. You just proposed to your girlfriend, and she said yes.
Things are looking good, and so is the future. Your only real regret is that you didn’t buy every game console, because you sure would love to play this game and re-create your perfect life another two times.
Either all that…or you want nothing more than to trap your loved ones in a room with only a stove — and zero cooking skills.
Phrase said by this type of gamer: “Burn! All of you BURN!!! HA HA HA HA!”
Game: Civilization 4
How you know it’s for you: You went to collage and majored in religious studies, and yet you work a job that has nothing to do with religious studies. You live for the moment when you can tell your friends about how ridiculous the thing you did in-game is compared to its real-life counterpart.
You seem like a nice guy on the outside, but deep inside, you realize that you’re insignificant in the grand scheme of things and will never live to accomplish anything worthwhile. That’s why when you get going with your civilization, you see fit to take revenge on the world.
You don’t settle until you’re the only successful civilization and every other civ has been bent to your will. There’s only one civilization in the game that you won’t exploit for power — you’d rather utterly destroy them.
Phrase said by this type of gamer: “Als registrierter! Nutzer können! Sie selbständig Pressemeldungen und Links eintragen!”
Game: Final Fantasy
How you know it’s for you: Really, nothing’s good about your life. No one talks to you at work or at high school. The only thing you do in your free time is watch anime, wishing you were the world-saving ninja onscreen. When you’re on the street, you purposefully bump into people just to savior the physical contact.
When you play games, you talk to the protagonist as though you where right there at his side. You dread the day that you’ll admit that what you’ve been doing is absolutely nothing, and that you could’ve spent your time dating or at least developing people skills.
Phrase said by this type of gamer: Nothing. These gamers rarely talk when people are around to quote them.
Well, there you go, Bitmobbers. I hope you find this useful to finding out just what types of games you want to play to ease the stress brought on by life.