Editor's note: Think video games are a big waste of time? If so, check out Brian's humorous list of other things many people do that are far more boring and pointless. -James
As gamers, we share a sense of identity. We're all lazy man-children (or tomboys) who sit around in our underwear chugging six-packs of Mountain Dew, so that we can stay awake to beat the game. Besides being lazy, we're all unintelligent, repulsive bastards who burn books in bonfires. And who knows, we may even eat babies.
All jokes aside, any of us with an ounce of intelligence realizes that most stereotypes about video games and gamers aren't true. I mean, we all know that they don't really rot our brains, right? They may occasionally distract us from more valuable pursuits, but they don't dumb us down or turn us in to mass murderers.
Since we're now all aware that video games aren't a waste of time, I'm going to provide you with a list of handy alternatives that'll make your days go by faster than an Olympic skier on a training run. If you're looking for activities that'll truly insult your intelligence, I encourage you to keep reading.
Asking Questions on Yahoo Answers
If you've ever had a question that no one in real life can answer, it's a good bet that you've asked it on Yahoo Answers. Unfortunately, after asking a question, you'll realize that your efforts were futile; trolls and twelve year-olds answering queries in a juvenile manner fill the site to the brim. So unless you need specialized knowledge on whether or not boning a donkey is pleasurable, I recommend avoiding that site.
Hooking Up With an Online Stranger
What's the most shameful thing you can do in our society? It isn't streaking at your college graduation — it's online dating. See, when meeting someone online, you never know if they'll turn out to be who they say they are. You might meet a "27-year old" you previously talked to online at a bar only to find that she's actually a 40-year-old cougar who "needs to" borrow your cell phone for three hours to pay overdue utility bills. Or if you're "lucky," you may encounter a stalker who texts you for several days after you tell her you're not interested in talking to someone who continually reminds you of what she's wearing and how she's "freezing" in bed. Chances are, you won't get lucky — unless you consider herpes a blessing.
Crashing a Frat Party
Yeah, yeah. Call me a square. But I've seen too many drunk dudes hitting on other intoxicated blokes. Of course, they don't normally do so when they're sober. They may think they're enjoying themselves while they're wasted, but when they wake up in a bed with a "girl" named Tim, they'll have nightmares for weeks to come.
Watching Scary Movies with "Scary" in the Title
If you're like me, there's a good chance you've seen Scary Movie 1, 2, 3, or 4. Maybe you couldn't play a video game at the time, or perhaps no other movies were available to you. Whatever the case, you didn't watch it for fun. Staring at lousy actors engaging in antics that wouldn't amuse even a six-year old is one of the most mind-numbing activities a grown man or woman can engage in.
Visiting an Academic Counselor
Academic counselors are supposed to help you decide on a path that'll make your dreams feasible, right? Well, more often than not, they'll know less than you about common careers, and they'll try to hide their naïveté by talking about food.
Once between classes, while I could have been working out or eating lunch, my counselor talked about sushi for 30 minutes instead of helping me meet my college's confusing academic requirements. Come on, California rolls may be inexpensive, but they aren't that good.
Hopefully this list has taught you something, but if not, just remember that any of the above activities automatically make your Bubsy 3D and Army Men marathons acceptable.